You are giving up BEING miserable.
I recently lost a friend to suicide. Her name was Katrina. In fact she was the person my beloved and I first body painted together. Nine days after we painted her she killed herself. I felt so powerless. How could I not know? I wasn’t there for her. I didn’t post enough positive quotes. Something. I “should” have known… right?
Many of us rally to our friends sides when they get down. We are there for a while until we can see that they are enjoying the pity party. Then slowly we distance ourselves out of self preservation. Then what? What is my responsibility as a friend? And what is your responsibility to honoring your feelings or giving yourself some space?
The truth is we are each self-responsible.
I cannot change HOW you see things. I cannot change when you take things personally. This is especially hard when the person in question is the one we are married to or living with. The distance options are much harder. The ability to have one’s own happy space becomes limited by proximity.
I used to get really upset when my significant other asked me if I wanted to be right or did I want to be happy. I just wanted to throttle her for throwing that in my face because I didn’t understand what the hell that meant, and I was prepared to fight her for it. Now of course… I get it. But there are a great many people out there who are still prepared to fight over it. They are not happy people. Their happiness isn’t based on self-image or self-esteem. It’s based on a lot of filters with how they experience the world. Their interpretation. Their choice.
There are of course a few exceptions in this, people who have disabilities, impairments due to accidents beyond biochemical control. But for the most part I am talking about people who are just dealing with everyday circumstances of life without those factors.
Is there anything I can do for my friend who is suffering on the other side of the Facebook world tonight? No. Did I do everything I thought I could? Yes. What if he kills himself anyway?
Is there anything I can do for my beloved who is in a funk tonight? Well chocolate is an option. Hugs. Kisses. In the end, she has to face whatever is on the inside of herself alone. Her thoughts are hers. Trying to control or change her doesn’t honor her choice.
Yet, another Facebook friend messages me that because I made a comment on a friend’s post… that post helped her. She was able to come to an important realization. I helped. He helped, all without realizing it.
I think my job is to show up. I also think that at some point it isn’t lifting their energy, it’s draining. That is usually when I’m trying to change them. Even when I’m not, and it is feeding into the negative pattern it’s time to leave them be, guilt free. That freedom comes from respecting their choice to stay in the space they’re in without judgment.
Thanks for listening to me rant/vent. If you find it uplifting, great. If it pissed you off, sorry. But however you took it, was your choice. I may not have liked or agreed with Katrina’s choice, but in order to have peace, I must respect her choice.
In the end
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt